Something been weighing on me for the last few weeks, and I finally let it all out of my chest. It was a relieve, as I felt quite uncomfortable having this foreign thoughts lingering in my head for sometimes now.

I have a heart of stone, very thick layer of brick wall, high and unreachable. It was all results of years of building characters and attitude to ensure that I will never get hurt again. In my defense, I want to protect myself.

Firstly, I fall in love with the wrong guys at school. They all ditched me at the end of the relationship for other girls. Alright, no worries. I vowed to never be in relationship again, then something happen, I kind of like like my best friend in school. Of course that did not work out as well and we remain best friends till now, it was all good. This is the start of me planning how I am going to build the wall. How tall, how thick, and other set of rules. Basically the beginning of I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude, and it was at high during INTEC and Post-A-level. I got really fat and happy, I truly did not give a damn at all to what other people are muttering about me, especially on my physique. It seriously didn’t bother me at all. I was really good at bracing critiques from friends and families. I know I am good, my grades are doing well, I had my future plan laid out nicely on my mind.

Secondly, post A-level, of course it is well known to all of you. My depression period. I was really sad beyond what I can even comprehend. I did not know that I can be disappointed this much at myself. Semua tak kena, I feel like shit everyday. I hate myself, I hate the circumstances I was put under. I hate few of my friends for behaving the way they are at that time. And I decided to pull through, just beat the shit blocking my way.

For the first time in my life, I am scared of my own self. I am now this stone cold bitch. I am not affected at all when people are hating on me for the way I am. I hit them harder like a stone-cold-bitch-kind-of  -harder. I am cold towards them now and it really shows from my attitude. Now I think I am trap in this wall I build myself.

Almost, but not quite similar, I feel way to positive and my not-give-a-fuck attitude is at its peak. I just really don’t give a damn and work my way. This overjoy feelings is addictive. Sort of like a drug, but for your mind. Once you get a taste of it, you just don’t want it to stop. Your body is building a dependency to this drug with no-fuck-given attitude as a side effect.

However, you starts to notice things are pretty weird. On days where you supposed to snap, you didn’t. No reaction. Empty. Hollow.

Yeah hollow. I was wondering if the happiness I felt all along was fake? Am I pretending to be happy when I am absolutely wrecked inside. I don’t even know my friend. This hollowness, and emptiness I feel right now, it’s not so good. It feels almost like I am out of touch with reality.
Maybe I build the wall too high, Every time someone tries to climb the wall I push them. Then I will build the wall even higher. Now this is not a wall, it’s a cage. A cage that I build to trap my own soul.

I don’t know how long I will be in this wall, trapped. I want to escape, but I am scared. What if I get hurt again? Am I  going to rebuild the wall even higher and stayed inside and become this stone cold bitch forever? I don’t know.

Few weeks ago, something really triggers me. And I want to talk about it here on my blog. There are times I dreamt about things I wish would happen if I work hard enough to achieve it. On certain days, I will just sleep on it, consoling my own heart that it is ok that I fail. But there are especially days where my mind wont’ just let me rest. It wants me to still beat on the tune. Chanting the same verse over and over again. That my friend, is how my mind playing trick on myself.

But let’s just stop here for now

1 comment:

  1. It's okay to build walls mi, just remember to build bridges around it. Just so you know, it is a pleasure to me knowing you! And I'd feel sorry for those won't get to connect with you <3 love - faz