Of love and insecurities

As a person who blogs religiously, my early posts was about love. My stupid crazy affection towards my high school boyfriend(s). Yup, as long as i remember, i've been in more than 1 relationship in high school. A fact that I'm shy to admit, maybe because I don't want people to judge me as play girl even though that's exactly who I was before (idk sis, suddenly had dementia 😢) When people ask me if I have ever been in relationship, i'll always try my best to avoid answering because I is scared hahaha.

In all honesty, boys break my heart so many times before that I figure it is about time to only love myself first and give out my affection to family and friends only. I'm just a normal person with desire to love and be loved. I want to get married one day and have a family of my own. But over time as I grow and become more mature (yeke matang?), my self-confidence drop forming a sharp curve if u can imagine that. I also gain so much weight, i think i'm obese now and the thought of being in a relationship is really not my concern anymore. I don't advocate being obese is good because I know obesity is unhealthy. And yes, I have an unhealthy eating attitude and very well aware of that. The fact that I'm doing absolutely nothing about it now make my parents even more concern. I also become even more insecure, but staying poker-faced and pretend I give no shit when deep down I nangis. 

It was ok sometimes ago, however, I'm reaching the age where my parents and closest family have started popping up questions. My parents keep telling me about the kind of wedding they want to do, and how many guests they need to invite to my wedding. Usually, I will just play along. I told them many times already I'm not getting married anytime soon, especially not 2019, or 2020 maybe even 2021. I still have two semesters of my undergraduate and I don't know how long i will be unemployed after i graduate (hope it won't be long). Wedding is expensive and it's not helping when I feel so insecure of my own body :( I think sooner or later, I will have to force myself to lose weight as I don't want to have any health complications in the future. Buying new clothes is becoming more and more difficult and I nangis lagi because banyak gila choices for normal bodied people and also cheap

To be in a relationship, would cost you not only money but also your body, mind and soul. To speak about it as if I'm a pro when the last time I'm in a relationship was 6 years ago may make my point invalid. But my past relationships was not beautiful as you think. Two of my ex-boyfriends left me for other girls. And one of the relationships was very toxic. Believe me, when you have been in a toxic relationship, you will value your self-worth higher. You see for yourselves on twitter how many fuck boys exist and how they screwed up other women's lives.

I don't know the direction of this post is headed to, but generally, you can figure that one yourself as u scroll down. For a very long time, I write something very personal. I need to vent out tonight. And I don't want to be ashamed of writing something so personal as this is my territory which I allow people to be in and relate to.

Let's us address that everyone has their own set of insecurities, and mine happened to be my physical appearance. However people dealt with theirs is not my business, but I know one thing, do not let it hinders your personal development. You have to overcome your fear in anything. Do things you are good at, and if you feel like trying to be brave once in a while, do that as well.

And I honestly it feels good to be able to see your friends to tie the knot or now have found their long lost soul mate. I just wish mine will be at the right time. But who am I say things when Allah is the best of planner. For now, I will just work on my insecurities and try to live a healthy life. As a first born, I shoulder big responsibility and I have many life goals that are not yet fulfilled.

Last but not least, go out and find love. I know love can make a person feel like the happiest person on earth. It's nothing like seeing your friend's face glowing from too much sweetness and happiness. Wishing all of you the best, and keep loving