13th August

13th August serve as reminder for me to always remember that I failed my life. Everything I did prior to this date, accumulated causing me to lose every thing I never imagined. I was at my lowest 2 years ago. Looking back, I wish I could have done better.

I know I've been saying to many people that I didn't regret not being able to fly off to UK, that is true. But losing my scholarship altogether was not in my plan. Heck, I didn't even plan to enroll at private university. The first few months, I feel so shitty because I don't know why I had to be in this shitty place. I even feel angrier recently knowing that the journey to my current university served as political agenda of some sort. I fucking mad for not seeing it. I thought they were purely there to help yet, we were being played. Fucking human. Also, my unsuccessful scholarship application made me even furious. Trust me, I'm starting to lose hope in the party.

As time goes by, I find that blaming myself to be the only way for me to accept my fate. The fate that brought me here. I tried very hard to see the good in every shitty things that happened. I build this new wall, higher than what I've build previously, I can't even jump passed it. People have been saying that I become more private, my resting bitch face didn't help either. I don't know what else. With other things that have been happening, I feel like quitting. Why the fuck studying has to be this difficult. I wish I have a scholarship. I hate asking my parents for more money.

Remembering it 2 years later makes me go even mad. At this moment in life I wish I have a boyfriend just because I know I'll be less angrier. But why the heck should I have a boyfriend. Boyfriend menyusah kan nak mampos but it'll be cool. At least he's there to tell me to calm down hahaha

Nevertheless, I'm freakinggggg proud of me. Surviving and beating all the odds feel so good. I promised my self a first class degree and I will continue to fulfill the promise. Could not wait for the day I graduated from university just to pat myself in the back  

" U fucking did it human" 



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