14 August 2017

Sending you love

Writing this tonight give me so much feels. So so many things happened to me and people around me. The shock-est one being the passing of my dearest cousin due to road accident. He got hit by a car. We just met during raya, and honestly it was one of the best I ever had.

We managed to squeeze in BBQ party, karaoke and a night that I called 'Malam Sembang' last Raya. Didn't know it was the last Raya for him. I still couldn't wrap around my mind yet that he has passed away. The news was so sudden and everyone was still in shock. Thing I remember the most on his burial day was the amount of people coming to properly sent him goodbye. Things got crazy emotional when the van jenazah arrived at my aunt's house for Solat Jenazah. The sobbing and tears I could see and hear was unbearable and I end up crying as well. A silent crying. I had toughen up myself, but I couldn't hold it anymore.

Later that evening everyone was reminiscing good memories they had with arwah. I had mine, but rather I want to keep it to myself as I'm sure I'll end up crying a bucket.

And today marks the 3 weeks of his passing. He'll be missed greatly by everyone :)

Semoga kau tenang di sana dan Tuhan beri kau setinggi Syurga. Kami disini akan sentiasa mengirim doa dan bacaan quran sebagai hadiah teragung


13th August

13th August serve as reminder for me to always remember that I failed my life. Everything I did prior to this date, accumulated causing me to lose every thing I never imagined. I was at my lowest 2 years ago. Looking back, I wish I could have done better.

I know I've been saying to many people that I didn't regret not being able to fly off to UK, that is true. But losing my scholarship altogether was not in my plan. Heck, I didn't even plan to enroll at private university. The first few months, I feel so shitty because I don't know why I had to be in this shitty place. I even feel angrier recently knowing that the journey to my current university served as political agenda of some sort. I fucking mad for not seeing it. I thought they were purely there to help yet, we were being played. Fucking human. Also, my unsuccessful scholarship application made me even furious. Trust me, I'm starting to lose hope in the party.

As time goes by, I find that blaming myself to be the only way for me to accept my fate. The fate that brought me here. I tried very hard to see the good in every shitty things that happened. I build this new wall, higher than what I've build previously, I can't even jump passed it. People have been saying that I become more private, my resting bitch face didn't help either. I don't know what else. With other things that have been happening, I feel like quitting. Why the fuck studying has to be this difficult. I wish I have a scholarship. I hate asking my parents for more money.

Remembering it 2 years later makes me go even mad. At this moment in life I wish I have a boyfriend just because I know I'll be less angrier. But why the heck should I have a boyfriend. Boyfriend menyusah kan nak mampos but it'll be cool. At least he's there to tell me to calm down hahaha

Nevertheless, I'm freakinggggg proud of me. Surviving and beating all the odds feel so good. I promised my self a first class degree and I will continue to fulfill the promise. Could not wait for the day I graduated from university just to pat myself in the back  

" U fucking did it human" 



1 June 2017


This week marks the last week of semester 5. I'm going sixth mid July and in September i'll be in my 3rd year already, which makes me really scared and nervous.

It's tough game, is all I can say. Nothing much happened this semester other than unsuccessful interview for scholarship. That put me in so much sadness. Because I work really hard to get good CGPA, but it happens, I must move on.

Subjects are tougher also, my carry marks are drowning. But there's nothing else I could do other than to work hard for my 2 upcoming tests. And of course study and revise until I got full marks for finals hahaha

As you've read above, I wrote them during last week of my semester. I'm officially done with my semester 5. To be honest, my final exam went better than what I've expected. Maybe because I study extra crazy because of my underperforming carry marks? Anyways, I hope my results would be just ok and fingers crossed I can still be debt-free once I graduate. I don't want to pay my PTPTN loan, therefore, I must always study double triple extra hard. Lol what an exaggeration.

Shout out to all my classmates, my besties for helping me throughout. Those who I always pester on whatsapp to help my with accounting question, helping me to solve some math's equation and entertaining my nonsense and crap while I was not so on my right mind. Hehe. Thank you everyone. You da bomb dot com. 

Happy ramadan kareem and eid mubarak although we still have 24 days left to eid. Because I know I won't post any update hahaha

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...