Of love and insecurities

22 September 2018

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As a person who blogs religiously, my early posts was about love. My stupid crazy affection towards my high school boyfriend(s). Yup, as long as i remember, i've been in more than 1 relationship in high school. A fact that I'm shy to admit, maybe because I don't want people to judge me as play girl even though that's exactly who I was before (idk sis, suddenly had dementia 😢) When people ask me if I have ever been in relationship, i'll always try my best to avoid answering because I is scared hahaha.

In all honesty, boys break my heart so many times before that I figure it is about time to only love myself first and give out my affection to family and friends only. I'm just a normal person with desire to love and be loved. I want to get married one day and have a family of my own. But over time as I grow and become more mature (yeke matang?), my self-confidence drop forming a sharp curve if u can imagine that. I also gain so much weight, i think i'm obese now and the thought of being in a relationship is really not my concern anymore. I don't advocate being obese is good because I know obesity is unhealthy. And yes, I have an unhealthy eating attitude and very well aware of that. The fact that I'm doing absolutely nothing about it now make my parents even more concern. I also become even more insecure, but staying poker-faced and pretend I give no shit when deep down I nangis. 

It was ok sometimes ago, however, I'm reaching the age where my parents and closest family have started popping up questions. My parents keep telling me about the kind of wedding they want to do, and how many guests they need to invite to my wedding. Usually, I will just play along. I told them many times already I'm not getting married anytime soon, especially not 2019, or 2020 maybe even 2021. I still have two semesters of my undergraduate and I don't know how long i will be unemployed after i graduate (hope it won't be long). Wedding is expensive and it's not helping when I feel so insecure of my own body :( I think sooner or later, I will have to force myself to lose weight as I don't want to have any health complications in the future. Buying new clothes is becoming more and more difficult and I nangis lagi because banyak gila choices for normal bodied people and also cheap

To be in a relationship, would cost you not only money but also your body, mind and soul. To speak about it as if I'm a pro when the last time I'm in a relationship was 6 years ago may make my point invalid. But my past relationships was not beautiful as you think. Two of my ex-boyfriends left me for other girls. And one of the relationships was very toxic. Believe me, when you have been in a toxic relationship, you will value your self-worth higher. You see for yourselves on twitter how many fuck boys exist and how they screwed up other women's lives.

I don't know the direction of this post is headed to, but generally, you can figure that one yourself as u scroll down. For a very long time, I write something very personal. I need to vent out tonight. And I don't want to be ashamed of writing something so personal as this is my territory which I allow people to be in and relate to.

Let's us address that everyone has their own set of insecurities, and mine happened to be my physical appearance. However people dealt with theirs is not my business, but I know one thing, do not let it hinders your personal development. You have to overcome your fear in anything. Do things you are good at, and if you feel like trying to be brave once in a while, do that as well.

And I honestly it feels good to be able to see your friends to tie the knot or now have found their long lost soul mate. I just wish mine will be at the right time. But who am I say things when Allah is the best of planner. For now, I will just work on my insecurities and try to live a healthy life. As a first born, I shoulder big responsibility and I have many life goals that are not yet fulfilled.

Last but not least, go out and find love. I know love can make a person feel like the happiest person on earth. It's nothing like seeing your friend's face glowing from too much sweetness and happiness. Wishing all of you the best, and keep loving

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Internship 1 #Part 1

26 August 2018

Disclaimer: This blog post was written on 6 August 2018
My last blog post dated 19th May which means I haven't update this blog for than 3 months. Life is getting pretty interesting. Everyday I keep having new and fresh idea but my mind literally have no capacity to function past 10 PM. 

So how is my life so far? 

I am currently doing my internship at one of the big 4 firms. Alhamdulillah for the opportunity. I am in the tax department, doing tax for companies. People ask me why do I choose tax. Honestly speaking, it is because I genuinely enjoy the subject in previous two semesters and able to score A for both Taxation 1 and Taxation 2. 

Why not Audit? I understand no shit. Seriously, not kidding. People say that you would learn more when you do internship in audit, but nope goodbye Felicia, I will never attempt something that would make my life suffer. Learning is interesting, but audit most likely not my cup of tea at the moment. It requires good analytical skills and it's something I don't have.

But Tax, highly technical, but interesting. I seriously I enjoy doing tax computation so much that I rather do it all day than amending letters for submission to LHDN. The bureaucracy part is painstakingly annoying. But it forms part of the work so I have to do it regardless. 

Adults keep saying that we will miss our study and leisure time most as we hardly have time for ourselves later. Which basically what we will be doing for the next 30 years. Work here is not so bad, I really love it. The people here are so nice, helpful and willing to teach you stuff even during peak period like now (June-August is the peak-est period for Tax). I guess it's all depending how deeply in love you are with your work, time management and the workplace environment.

From what I can gather, you will love your job as long as the people are nice to each other. Ranks don't matter. Good leader ultimately produce best employees because people will enjoy coming to works and productivity improves. This sounds like one of your lectures in Uni, me too when I first realised that things like this that makes people stay at one place. Suddenly everything I had learned in Advanced Management Accounting class makes all the sense. But I guess, certain employees tend to overlook issues pertaining to the well being of their employees. As long as profit increase. Which means shit if your employees are unhappy. 
A happy employee will deliver best customer service. It will turn to positive chain of reaction which in the ends will flow back into the organization.
Shit, this is turning to some business essay we did in uni HAHAHAHA.But it's so true guys. Can't wait to start being a proper adult in a year time (well maybe less)

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I wake up everyday to a new Malaysia

19 May 2018

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`0th May 2018

I am actually out of words to say how grateful I am at the moment.

Prior to 9th May, heck even on 9th May, I wasn't optimistic that PH could win the election. The possibility is really thin because they controlled everything. Media, our freedom of speech on social media, Anti-Fake news bill, EC (maybe) and the list goes on. They were analyst projecting that BN would win #GE14 again, albeit with a small majority. Only Invoke survey projecting that PH would concur, but at that time it sounds overly optimistic given the advantages BN had at that time. After all, they have governed Malaysia for decades (ever since our independence) obviously they had resources on their hand to win the election.

I go on twitter over and over again how PH had no chance of winning. I exchanges tweet with other users sharing the same sentiment. Everyone agreed, hopes shouldn't be high, but silently, we gave in. To put it easy, every Malaysia who voted for PH desperately want a change from this corrupt government.

On the night of 8th May, I was eager to go out and vote for change. It's my first time, of course, I am thrilled. It's my duty as a citizen. And I fucking love my country and I desperately wanted a better Malaysia.

Come the night of 9th May, before the EC announced the official results, I still have no hope of PH winning. The announcement began with results from Sarawak. BN is leading. I told myself "see, no hope?" but PH is fast. The number is almost equal. It's unprecedented winning in some parliamentary seats in Sarawak. Marginal seats won by PH, some got double the majority as compared with GE 13.

"Holy shit!" I said that words so many times that night. I also tweeted that I'm going to curse a lot. Because that's what I always do when I get excited or angry. But that time, it was more exciting than I am furious. Unofficial results showed that PH coalition party is leading, both from Awani and Twitter. But Twitter was faster, my timeline has never been that fast. I can't stop scrolling.

By 10 pm, we have yet to get full results. It seems like EC was delaying the process. But I tried my best to be positive, probably because of higher turnout, they need more time to count. They are rumours flying around Twitter that recounting had taken place in some seats. We don't how true are the rumours btw.

By 12 am or maybe earlier than that, it begins to rain heavily, lightning struck which caused my wifi disconnected. It happens every time when it rains which sucks. This is an important night, more important than anything else, and I need wifi. 20 minutes without wifi, I missed out so many things already, that is how fast twitter that night. People basically stuck on their phone, people actually bother about politics

Everyone is exhausted already come the morning. Official results have yet to come, but we knew PH is leading and the smell of freedom is in the air. The panelist on Awani has begun to change their tune. Wind of change is being blown swiftly, Karim Ruslan throws the first punch to EC and BN. And that my friend how freedom of media started.

EC started to announce official results every 30 minutes after 2 am, my eyes starting to feel heavy. Dr.M also made a press conference to announce thay they have won enough seats to form a government with simple majority. But I don't want to give in just yet, I must know the fate of my mother nation. Elani whatsapp me asking me to update her the results because she needs to study and she can't focus haha. State after state begin to shift from BN to PH. We know that time we already won. By 4 I went to my room, I had not shower for a day. I scrolled twitter for another 40 minutes and fall asleep waking up to a new government ❤ Best day of 2018

Truth is, I still can't believe Malaysian can achieve this unity to push a kleptocratic government. I wake up every day now with Najib no longer in power and that is probably the best thing that happens in 2018 so far. This itself deserve another blog post.❤👪❤

Cheers to a new beginning 💢

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You are your own carrie pilby

28 March 2018

I have test 1 tomorrow for Advanced Financial Accounting subject. But this post couldn’t be postponed any later. I have this rush of ideas coming out as soon as the movie ended while I was eating Maggi Asam Laksa comfortably, the movie kinda hits home. And I would like to dedicate this movie to all my friends, and to anyone who is currently struggling. This post is for you.

Carrie Pilby is a girl with high IQ level, graduated Harvard at the age of 18. Introvert, live in her own cocoon, pretty much a loner. Her mom died when she was 12 years old, her father decided to sent her to college at the age of 14. She practically spent her teenage life as an undergraduate, alone with no friends at all. However, the movie doesn’t focus on her undergraduate journey but what she did with her life soon after that.

The reason why I really love this movie so much because how relatable it is to many of us. Majority of my acquaintances are going through hard times shifting life from being a student to starting a career. That’s quite an uncomfortable process. You are just about to finish study, but now in a rush to find an employment. The expectation and probability that you might not land any job anytime soon will put anyone under pressure.

Although in the movie Carrie Pilby does not in any way struggling to find an employment, rather she was forced to let go of her status quo. Being outside of her comfort zone such as making friends, starting a career, find a soulmate just so that she can find happiness again. OF course, this was a result of her inability to let go certain attachment. She is a bitter person, doesn’t believe in so many things, doesn’t think happiness exist. To conclude, Carrie Pilby has her own set of liberated mind. In the end, she makes peace with herself. She begins to cross things off her list, she started to let things loose a little, she stops being hard with herself.

This post read like a review and ultimate spoiler of the movie but I don’t think many of you would end up watching it after this. As I said above, this movie hits home to many of us who are currently struggling. Carrie Pilby struggles so so much, it was hard for her to let go of many things, let along to step out of her comfort zone. But the fact that she muster all her courage to find happiness and meaning of life, she become unstoppable.

You can do this too my friend. We all are capable of so many things. Find that courage, be brave and bold. Get out. Try new things. A process is a process, it will eventually pass. Struggle is a struggle, but don’t get caught in it, you will only losing opportunities. Find solutions and only then you will be happy with the results. Because after all, you are your own Carrie Pilby.
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