I miss everything

Remembering the good old days where I used to write so much. How this blog started as an outlet for my stress relief. I miss those days, having things to write. Although I exclusively write when my life went south.

I also miss taking a stroll in Pasar Seni. That random bus trip on scorching hot days after my class ends. Eat my favorite rojak at Petaling Street, LRT rides to absolutely nowhere. I miss being able to do all of that. 

I miss the feeling of missing someone. Waiting for that one text to greet your day. How my heart would flutter at every compliment and sweet words thrown. I feel like my heart has a purpose and will to live. But that was long ago. 

I miss having so much free time that all I do was sleep or watch Netflix. I would binge-watch every new show and would watch even more shows during the exam month. I can focus on painting and my other hobbies. Those were the days. All I do now is think about my never-ending workload. 

2020 doesn’t really turn my life upside down, but rather it took a really sharp and unexpected turn. Not that I have any major plans that go sideways but rather how things could have been better if not for Covid. 

Reflecting on my year so far, I think my goals for 2021 need to be humble. I want to put in more time for self-reflection and will work towards improving my personal issues.

A reminder that I will turn 26 next year. 26. Let that sink in 

I wrote this 1 week before the end of my first peak period

They say if you work in an audit firm, you will get to experience the real burnout from working. Yet here i am working in an audit firm myself now, although not as an auditor (i work in the tax department), burnout does happen and I finally understand why.

You must have heard from your friend who majored in finance or accounting-related courses working in a similar environment mentioning the peak period once. It's not a myth or excuses accountant used to avoid socialising, but very much real that we don't even get to have a me-time. 

The thing is, our work is bound to the statutory datelines (i.e. submission of the annual financial report, tax return, and other statutory filings) and with high volumes of work, burnout is a real thing and mentally draining. 

Depending on your firm, my firm, or at least my department will have our annual peak period from June to August (statutory filing dateline for December year-end) each year because most of the companies' financial period end in December. With volumes of work we had, people resigning before or after peak period is quite normal. Seeing people come and go is no longer a weird thing (it was when I first join) because it happens all the time. To be quite frank, I don't even understand why people stay when this job clearly messing up with your mental health and here I am. 

I can list out at least 5 reasons why I should leave this work but I am just starting out and it's such a waste to leave just because I can't stand being terribly busy for 3-months every year. I love tax and seriously love this job. Somedays I get a call from friends just to rant about how bad their day was or how angry the client was on the phone when informed that we could not deliver work on the promised dateline. All of these happen on a daily basis during peak and it gets worse towards the end. But, holding onto professionalism, we can only soldier on and move forward. Which sucks. 

I wish I have the ability and power to change, but as long as the volume of work and manpower remain the same, I hope I have the strength to cope. I hope Im here to stay *fingers crossed

July winds

Not sure if anyone still read my space. I'm feeling all sorts of way. July is almost ending, comes August, things will get tougher to some of us. May God send us all his blessings because only Him knows how much luck we need at this point. 

To be quite honest, nothing interesting is happening in my life. Maybe the lack of human interaction contributes to that, but I've been avoiding any in a while. Or maybe taking up gardening as my new hobby is considered interesting? 

July despite being mundane, it bears one good news to me. One I've waited for a while.  My student loan exemption is approved, so I don't need to pay any (except few thousands of the interest, charge fee etc). I worked so hard for this. I feel blessed that my final goal has been achieved. Now I can really move on from the bitterness A-level has put me through.

I know, you guys are tired of me bringing up this topic. AGAIN. But please know. This has impacted me in a way I can't explain. Carrying this regret and self-loathing, I finally can put my grudge to an end. It's the reason why I acted the way I was all these years. My sorrow, pain and regrets; I shall move on from them. Getting 1st class for my degree and being employed in one of the Big 4'S, I think I'm doing quite well, better than I imagine 1 year ago. 

Now is the time for me to set new goals. I don't have any intention to get married (not in 5-year time  πŸ˜…) because logically I'm not with anyone nor do I plan to be anytime soon. The focus is on myself and my family. I still have a long journey on self-discovery. 

Anyway, I took up a new hobby which is gardening. Maybe if I become so good at it, I can decide to expand my hobby and make something out of it. But the goal now is to have my vege gardens to be able to feed us fresh foods. So stoke just thinking about it.

Till next time. Love yall 

Hello bye

Can't believe the last time I wrote something here was in October 2019.

Lil update:

I started working right after final exam (3 weeks or so after), so it's been around 6 months? Life as a working adult is going ok I guess. Figuring life and sorting out priorities have been quite a struggle (will always be). I don't know if I am doing well at work, but I would rate myself 65%. Work is challenging in a sense that I still don't know a lot of stuff, means I need to continuously study and study. Pursuing knowledge is a never ending journey, but in my field, it's a must or you're way behind your colleague. Entahlah, to be quite frank, I'm not sure how long I will stay in this firm. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing well compared to others.

Here's to hoping that I will be better at work and continue to improve myself. I want to be better.

Aside from that, I'm really happy with what I have right now. Being financially independent feels amazing. I don't need to rely on my parents anymore and it's the other way now :) Praying that I will be showered with more rezeki so I can share more.

Anyway, I'm sure you're very much aware of thing that is going on in the world as of now. I hope you're doing well and ok. Please stay at home ?

Take care

The ode to my undergraduate life: Bidding goodbye to everything and in between:

I have roughly 16 days before my final exam ever.

Truth is, my mind went blank for a while when I decided to continue the sentence above. I don’t know what to expect. How to feel once everything comes to an end. Like everything has come full circle. Most of my INTEC batch mates have graduated. Those studying at local uni like me (read: red boat) just had their convocation and more to come. It’s funny to think that 4 years ago, we were all depressed as fuck. No one accepted the fate being thrown in front of their eyes. Most just swallow the bitter pills and pretending to move on, crying to sleep, EVERY DAY. Those are the days when I asked everyone around with the same fate as mine. Quite sad to be fucking honest. Some of them deserved more. But this failure, in a way made us stronger.

Everyone is so successful like it’s MAD how desperation, anger and depression bring out a whole new spirit out of a person. Will to change supersedes everything and that is more than anything we ever need right now, to feel ALIVE and DESERVING of all the happiness and success. I don’t know why I keep bringing up my Alevels story. 2/3 of my blog post, since I left INTEC, was mostly about my regrets and how If I had done more, things would have been better. No matter how much I make peace with myself, I get even more enraged. Things get even worse when the financial issue was brought to the table couple up with few other things. Because to me personally, that failure hits my financial the most. Maybe we get into this story sometime in the future.

My fellow readers, I have been offered a full-time position at one of the Big 4 where I went for my internship last year. Fingers crossed, the starting of my full-time adult life will be a fun time although I doubt it will ever be fun but we shall see. I cannot wait to finally buy stuff for my parents, treat my family for a monthly dinner date. So happy at the thought of that and I am making a to-do list, how much money I should save every month hehe (exciting time! πŸ˜‡πŸ’˜) and etcetera. 

Anyway, for the last few paragraphs, I wanna write down my gratitude for the blessing that comes in the form of my classmates at Unisel. I may not be able to have a hell of a fun time if it were not for them. It’s kind of sad that I stop talking to a few of them last semester due to many personal issues. Emotions got into me and everyone, hence rush decisions were made. Thank you, you guys were also a big part of my degree life, we spent 3 years' time together. But fate takes us to a different path, it is sad we parted ways on different notes. For the rest of the gang, yall are with me to the last sprint, we made it. I hope we continue making plans in the future, keeping this friendship forever. CRG reunion perhaps? Wishing you all the best

My future plan right now is probably to continue my professional exam and take master (if i have time). The rest I leave it to the Almighty, He knows what's best.

Thank you for tuning in to my journey since high school. Perhaps I will take you to different journey of my life, something that is even more exciting. Till then you guys.

Emotional turbulence

Hey what is up?

I have one more paper to go tomorrow then I am done with this semester. Honestly, this semester has taken one sharp turn and I did not see it coming at all. Maybe I was overestimating my level of patience and that it took just one event to trigger it all. After a few years of suppressing my dislike, it has been bottling up for quite sometimes that maybe I decided to burst and explode. And it cost relationship with a few good friends to end for good (i hope not).

Taking care of my mental health has been great but at the expense of severing ties with a few people. I don't know if I am ready to lose a few friends over that. Like is it worth it though? Idk. But my state of mind has been good. I unfollowed many accounts on my social medias especially the influencers. I muted my high school friends stories and posts just because I cannot tahan.

How bout you? Do you think it is ok to severe ties with a few people to take care of your mental health? I understand that some people just radiate negative vibes when you're around them. But I don't know if I want to end up being friend-less over years and grow old with absolutely no friends at all. My life at the moment has already felt pretty lifeless and meaningless, losing a few friends just because I want to be surrounded with positivity sounds like an exaggeration and I might blowing things out of proportion. Or what if I am that toxic friend that people have talked about all these while?

And this week has been rough. I had an emotional breakdown on the weekend. Literally crying and sobbing for a good one hour for no reason at all. At that moment I was scared with myself. How did I do that? Bursting out with overflowing tears with nothing to trigger me. But I guess it is the exam season that makes me feel really overwhelmed with my own personal expectations and goals.

Fingers crossed that I will end this semester with a bomb. Also, cannot wait to get back to painting florals and play with Aisya in my last semester break ever!

Is this lingering feeling deserves extra attention?
Or should I let it swish away like an ocean wave?

I am not good at this.

Feeling wholesome

Out of many things I did on social media, opening another instagram account dedicating it for my love for arts is probably the best thing that has ever happened. I feel like it changed me internally and also help practice my painting skills.

I have been for so long had a thing for arts. I never really have a particular talent on something. My attempt at doing art started with acrylic. I remember clearly going to art friend at Midvalley to purchase acrylic paint set and canvas to paint on. My first painting, I would describe as trash. At one glance one would know that I have no talent. So the set I got ends up being stash away out from my reach. 

Then I started watercolor because I see that it's quite easy to play with since we have been playing with it in 9 years of schooling. I got the cheapest Sakura transparent watercolor which I still keep and had been pass down to my little brother for his use. My painting was ok, but most of the times the subjects are unrecognizable. I exclusively only paint florals, specifically loose floral since it allows me to be more expressive. But over time my painting got a little bit better with more practice.

So many ups and downs and frustration that lead me to believe that I have no actual talent. All the money spent on art supplies seems to be wasted. I spent more than a thousand already for all the supplies I accumulate at the moment and I get even more sad thinking about the money. 

But over time, as my frustration grows, I just do not want to stop. I know deep down I have talent. And I definitely got balls to have that much believed on myself. All the artists I follow on instagram said that the only way to improve is to practice, like lots of practice. So that is what I do. I bought better supplies (hence why I got broke) to make sure that it performs as I wanted to. And dare I say, my paintings got better (not trying to brag here πŸ‘€πŸ˜œ)

I thank all my friends especially for the love they have given to my paintings. All the praises inspire me to paint even more. It makes me so happy, like legit happy because people seem to appreciate my schmol talent. The art account I created affect my mental health positively. And I want to continue doing arts as long as I can. Hopefully maybe one day I can start taking commissions from people. 

Would love to attach all the photos of the paintings here, but I do not have the soft copy in my laptop. Yall can check out @theotheraimi on instagram. Thank you for reading, I love you people <3

Thank god I build walls

When I started building walls, I thought I was being petty. Fast forward to today, I am glad that I build them. I am glad that I decided to be wary of who I am friends with. I am glad that today, I have no emotional attachment to any kind of friendship that hinders me from progressing.

Thanks to myself for being able to smell bullshit from the get-go. For the help I have given over the years of us knowing each other, please regard it as one of my many attempts of being a good human being. I was once capable of being decent, who understand that in order to succeed, we all need each other. But some people do believe that we owe them the universe when things did not go their way. 

I genuinely believe humans are smarts, we are, it's in the Quran. But the audacity to downgrade yourselves and pave ways to success bedded with lies and deceit is a form of disgrace to humankind. Am I exaggerating? No. But I try to call out the bullshits you just do not want to believe. Heck, you are playing the victim card. Pathetic. 

But it is ok. We are not going to see each other anymore for a very long time. Separated by distance and grudges. Farewell, humans.

Here I am at odd hours typing down whatever been weighing me down since my last post.

After staying at home for almost a year, I find it very difficult to adjust. Shah Alam has changed. A lot. The people are no longer the same, constructions are everywhere. The only thing constant is the weather. It's still so freaking hot here.

If you don't know yet, 2019 this is my final year as an undergraduate student and I have another 7 months to go. Time sure goes by, unnoticed by me. You sure don't want to hear me ramble the same shits again, but I still do procrastinate a lot. There are so many assignments, tutorials whatsoever and with me still adjusting, I am having a hard time to cope with study at the moment. More excuses.

This one is a very short post. I just want to let yall know that I am ok. Bye

I'm starting a weight loss journey #2

This blog post meant to serve as record keeping for my weight loss journey. It has been 2 months and my weight loss is at 7kg in total. I know in the 1st update I write down 6kg, but I have gained and lost the weight again due to weddings I attended every weekend hence where the gain came from. I'm not mad and crazy to drastically lose weight in short period of time. I want to allow myself to enjoy this moment and to actually have fun. Cutting on carbs like nasi is absolutely a mad journey. But I manage to control the demon in me from succumbing to pressure and that everyone, is good enough.

Let's talk about exercise. Yall might not believe me, but sometimes I do workout every day and it helps a lot with my energy. My body sores af but it gives a sort of assurance that your workout is doing something to your body. At least that's what I thought, and what I want to believe in. Can't wait to be back in Shah Alam so I can jog at a park and go swimming teehee~

Not gonna disclose my weight, but my goal is 55kg, where my mid normal BMI range is. Long journey, but I'm not going to give up yet. It's been 2 months, giving up now means I am a loser, and I am not one.

Till then