July winds

Not sure if anyone still read my space. I'm feeling all sorts of way. July is almost ending, comes August, things will get tougher to some of us. May God send us all his blessings because only Him knows how much luck we need at this point. 

To be quite honest, nothing interesting is happening in my life. Maybe the lack of human interaction contributes to that, but I've been avoiding any in a while. Or maybe taking up gardening as my new hobby is considered interesting? 

July despite being mundane, it bears one good news to me. One I've waited for a while.  My student loan exemption is approved, so I don't need to pay any (except few thousands of the interest, charge fee etc). I worked so hard for this. I feel blessed that my final goal has been achieved. Now I can really move on from the bitterness A-level has put me through.

I know, you guys are tired of me bringing up this topic. AGAIN. But please know. This has impacted me in a way I can't explain. Carrying this regret and self-loathing, I finally can put my grudge to an end. It's the reason why I acted the way I was all these years. My sorrow, pain and regrets; I shall move on from them. Getting 1st class for my degree and being employed in one of the Big 4'S, I think I'm doing quite well, better than I imagine 1 year ago. 

Now is the time for me to set new goals. I don't have any intention to get married (not in 5-year time  πŸ˜…) because logically I'm not with anyone nor do I plan to be anytime soon. The focus is on myself and my family. I still have a long journey on self-discovery. 

Anyway, I took up a new hobby which is gardening. Maybe if I become so good at it, I can decide to expand my hobby and make something out of it. But the goal now is to have my vege gardens to be able to feed us fresh foods. So stoke just thinking about it.

Till next time. Love yall 

Hello bye

Can't believe the last time I wrote something here was in October 2019.

Lil update:

I started working right after final exam (3 weeks or so after), so it's been around 6 months? Life as a working adult is going ok I guess. Figuring life and sorting out priorities have been quite a struggle (will always be). I don't know if I am doing well at work, but I would rate myself 65%. Work is challenging in a sense that I still don't know a lot of stuff, means I need to continuously study and study. Pursuing knowledge is a never ending journey, but in my field, it's a must or you're way behind your colleague. Entahlah, to be quite frank, I'm not sure how long I will stay in this firm. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing well compared to others.

Here's to hoping that I will be better at work and continue to improve myself. I want to be better.

Aside from that, I'm really happy with what I have right now. Being financially independent feels amazing. I don't need to rely on my parents anymore and it's the other way now :) Praying that I will be showered with more rezeki so I can share more.

Anyway, I'm sure you're very much aware of thing that is going on in the world as of now. I hope you're doing well and ok. Please stay at home ?

Take care

The ode to my undergraduate life: Bidding goodbye to everything and in between:

I have roughly 16 days before my final exam ever.

Truth is, my mind went blank for a while when I decided to continue the sentence above. I don’t know what to expect. How to feel once everything comes to an end. Like everything has come full circle. Most of my INTEC batch mates have graduated. Those studying at local uni like me (read: red boat) just had their convocation and more to come. It’s funny to think that 4 years ago, we were all depressed as fuck. No one accepted the fate being thrown in front of their eyes. Most just swallow the bitter pills and pretending to move on, crying to sleep, EVERY DAY. Those are the days when I asked everyone around with the same fate as mine. Quite sad to be fucking honest. Some of them deserved more. But this failure, in a way made us stronger.

Everyone is so successful like it’s MAD how desperation, anger and depression bring out a whole new spirit out of a person. Will to change supersedes everything and that is more than anything we ever need right now, to feel ALIVE and DESERVING of all the happiness and success. I don’t know why I keep bringing up my Alevels story. 2/3 of my blog post, since I left INTEC, was mostly about my regrets and how If I had done more, things would have been better. No matter how much I make peace with myself, I get even more enraged. Things get even worse when the financial issue was brought to the table couple up with few other things. Because to me personally, that failure hits my financial the most. Maybe we get into this story sometime in the future.

My fellow readers, I have been offered a full-time position at one of the Big 4 where I went for my internship last year. Fingers crossed, the starting of my full-time adult life will be a fun time although I doubt it will ever be fun but we shall see. I cannot wait to finally buy stuff for my parents, treat my family for a monthly dinner date. So happy at the thought of that and I am making a to-do list, how much money I should save every month hehe (exciting time! πŸ˜‡πŸ’˜) and etcetera. 

Anyway, for the last few paragraphs, I wanna write down my gratitude for the blessing that comes in the form of my classmates at Unisel. I may not be able to have a hell of a fun time if it were not for them. It’s kind of sad that I stop talking to a few of them last semester due to many personal issues. Emotions got into me and everyone, hence rush decisions were made. Thank you, you guys were also a big part of my degree life, we spent 3 years' time together. But fate takes us to a different path, it is sad we parted ways on different notes. For the rest of the gang, yall are with me to the last sprint, we made it. I hope we continue making plans in the future, keeping this friendship forever. CRG reunion perhaps? Wishing you all the best

My future plan right now is probably to continue my professional exam and take master (if i have time). The rest I leave it to the Almighty, He knows what's best.

Thank you for tuning in to my journey since high school. Perhaps I will take you to different journey of my life, something that is even more exciting. Till then you guys.

Emotional turbulence

Hey what is up?

I have one more paper to go tomorrow then I am done with this semester. Honestly, this semester has taken one sharp turn and I did not see it coming at all. Maybe I was overestimating my level of patience and that it took just one event to trigger it all. After a few years of suppressing my dislike, it has been bottling up for quite sometimes that maybe I decided to burst and explode. And it cost relationship with a few good friends to end for good (i hope not).

Taking care of my mental health has been great but at the expense of severing ties with a few people. I don't know if I am ready to lose a few friends over that. Like is it worth it though? Idk. But my state of mind has been good. I unfollowed many accounts on my social medias especially the influencers. I muted my high school friends stories and posts just because I cannot tahan.

How bout you? Do you think it is ok to severe ties with a few people to take care of your mental health? I understand that some people just radiate negative vibes when you're around them. But I don't know if I want to end up being friend-less over years and grow old with absolutely no friends at all. My life at the moment has already felt pretty lifeless and meaningless, losing a few friends just because I want to be surrounded with positivity sounds like an exaggeration and I might blowing things out of proportion. Or what if I am that toxic friend that people have talked about all these while?

And this week has been rough. I had an emotional breakdown on the weekend. Literally crying and sobbing for a good one hour for no reason at all. At that moment I was scared with myself. How did I do that? Bursting out with overflowing tears with nothing to trigger me. But I guess it is the exam season that makes me feel really overwhelmed with my own personal expectations and goals.

Fingers crossed that I will end this semester with a bomb. Also, cannot wait to get back to painting florals and play with Aisya in my last semester break ever!

Is this lingering feeling deserves extra attention?
Or should I let it swish away like an ocean wave?

I am not good at this.

Feeling wholesome

Out of many things I did on social media, opening another instagram account dedicating it for my love for arts is probably the best thing that has ever happened. I feel like it changed me internally and also help practice my painting skills.

I have been for so long had a thing for arts. I never really have a particular talent on something. My attempt at doing art started with acrylic. I remember clearly going to art friend at Midvalley to purchase acrylic paint set and canvas to paint on. My first painting, I would describe as trash. At one glance one would know that I have no talent. So the set I got ends up being stash away out from my reach. 

Then I started watercolor because I see that it's quite easy to play with since we have been playing with it in 9 years of schooling. I got the cheapest Sakura transparent watercolor which I still keep and had been pass down to my little brother for his use. My painting was ok, but most of the times the subjects are unrecognizable. I exclusively only paint florals, specifically loose floral since it allows me to be more expressive. But over time my painting got a little bit better with more practice.

So many ups and downs and frustration that lead me to believe that I have no actual talent. All the money spent on art supplies seems to be wasted. I spent more than a thousand already for all the supplies I accumulate at the moment and I get even more sad thinking about the money. 

But over time, as my frustration grows, I just do not want to stop. I know deep down I have talent. And I definitely got balls to have that much believed on myself. All the artists I follow on instagram said that the only way to improve is to practice, like lots of practice. So that is what I do. I bought better supplies (hence why I got broke) to make sure that it performs as I wanted to. And dare I say, my paintings got better (not trying to brag here πŸ‘€πŸ˜œ)

I thank all my friends especially for the love they have given to my paintings. All the praises inspire me to paint even more. It makes me so happy, like legit happy because people seem to appreciate my schmol talent. The art account I created affect my mental health positively. And I want to continue doing arts as long as I can. Hopefully maybe one day I can start taking commissions from people. 

Would love to attach all the photos of the paintings here, but I do not have the soft copy in my laptop. Yall can check out @theotheraimi on instagram. Thank you for reading, I love you people <3

Thank god I build walls

When I started building walls, I thought I was being petty. Fast forward to today, I am glad that I build them. I am glad that I decided to be wary of who I am friends with. I am glad that today, I have no emotional attachment to any kind of friendship that hinders me from progressing.

Thanks to myself for being able to smell bullshit from the get-go. For the help I have given over the years of us knowing each other, please regard it as one of my many attempts of being a good human being. I was once capable of being decent, who understand that in order to succeed, we all need each other. But some people do believe that we owe them the universe when things did not go their way. 

I genuinely believe humans are smarts, we are, it's in the Quran. But the audacity to downgrade yourselves and pave ways to success bedded with lies and deceit is a form of disgrace to humankind. Am I exaggerating? No. But I try to call out the bullshits you just do not want to believe. Heck, you are playing the victim card. Pathetic. 

But it is ok. We are not going to see each other anymore for a very long time. Separated by distance and grudges. Farewell, humans.

Here I am at odd hours typing down whatever been weighing me down since my last post.

After staying at home for almost a year, I find it very difficult to adjust. Shah Alam has changed. A lot. The people are no longer the same, constructions are everywhere. The only thing constant is the weather. It's still so freaking hot here.

If you don't know yet, 2019 this is my final year as an undergraduate student and I have another 7 months to go. Time sure goes by, unnoticed by me. You sure don't want to hear me ramble the same shits again, but I still do procrastinate a lot. There are so many assignments, tutorials whatsoever and with me still adjusting, I am having a hard time to cope with study at the moment. More excuses.

This one is a very short post. I just want to let yall know that I am ok. Bye

I'm starting a weight loss journey #2

This blog post meant to serve as record keeping for my weight loss journey. It has been 2 months and my weight loss is at 7kg in total. I know in the 1st update I write down 6kg, but I have gained and lost the weight again due to weddings I attended every weekend hence where the gain came from. I'm not mad and crazy to drastically lose weight in short period of time. I want to allow myself to enjoy this moment and to actually have fun. Cutting on carbs like nasi is absolutely a mad journey. But I manage to control the demon in me from succumbing to pressure and that everyone, is good enough.

Let's talk about exercise. Yall might not believe me, but sometimes I do workout every day and it helps a lot with my energy. My body sores af but it gives a sort of assurance that your workout is doing something to your body. At least that's what I thought, and what I want to believe in. Can't wait to be back in Shah Alam so I can jog at a park and go swimming teehee~

Not gonna disclose my weight, but my goal is 55kg, where my mid normal BMI range is. Long journey, but I'm not going to give up yet. It's been 2 months, giving up now means I am a loser, and I am not one.

Till then 

On the eve of Valentine's day

Disclaimer: I wrote this piece on eve of Valentine and I got stuck midway before continue writing it today. 

It was a weird Valentine Day, not because I finally have a Valentine (not gonna happen anytime soon) but the fact that my timeline is completely shut and silence over Valentine's Day. You know what was even weirder? No religious post on how haram is Valentine for Muslim to celebrate.

I find that the interior of this restaurant is aesthetically pleasing to my eyes.

This is what I think. I realize people of my age these days are smart enough. We don't care about getting validation of our relationship over chocolate and flowers on one fixated date. Thanks to endless campaigning on social media that promotes self-love over an abusive relationship, have we finally found a way out of this rut. Maybe it's a  facade we put on to avoid judgemental society?

The struggle youth these days faced is even more challenging then it was 20 years ago. The economy was not as rapid today, but the cost of living is ok. Our parents can afford a house because it is still within their means. RM 50 can fill a load of groceries in the trolley while it barely fills up a small basket today. 

Compromising social life to make ends meets is poetic. I'm not romanticizing struggles and hardship. Although it does sound a bit ridiculous to say this, there is somberness to our plight. It reminded me a story of old days my dad often tells about when budak - budak kampung during his days decided to come to KL working as operator. Basically sehelai sepinggang coming to KL, looking for a job they can't find at their hometown. He also tells a story about how these kids eat Maggi because they used up all the money to pay rents, buy concert tickets and shop for clothes to wear at the concert. Yeah, that atypical concert gear you see in the movie. It was the rise of rock kapak at that time. It must be lit to be living in that era.

Listening to that story, I feel like it resonates well as I find it totally relatable. Not that the world is getting worse as we still stuck in the same cycle of poverty, but in a way, how life put us through the same cycle is just bewildering and worth a few minutes of pondering over a cup of coffee. Don't you think so? Everyone is struggling. Period. But we can definitely make life better with good governance and policy. It's unrealistic to believe in promises made by politicians that minimum wage will increase substantially. They spill bread crumbs as bait and exchange for a vote. Truthfully after everything that has been going on with our political drama (recently judicial drama OMG), I am losing trust in the system. I am in the brink of believing that capitalism (read businesses aka prospective employers) can help fix things. Now it's our part and how we can help to get that ka-ching!

Arguments on relevant minimum wage for fresh grads is still going strong on twitter. Many users still tweeting the same sentiment, and not to forget they are many who are still living in their echo chamber who believe it's ok to be paid RM 1 800 salary and staying comfortably in Kuala Lumpur. I am not saying it's impossible to live off life with RM 1 800, doable and can happen but you will lead an unhappy and stressful life with that tight budget. Been there done that during study time, I don't think I will ever want to go through that hardship again. None of us want that ever again (nasi bujang for life!)

Key is to make your degree worthwhile. What you have learned over the years really makes so much sense once you step into the working world. I see it myself during my internship. Thanks for that, it really was an eye-opening experience to see how business operates at least on my side of the world. I cannot expect to be paid more than the average salary if I am a mediocre candidate. You have to know, good candidates are abundance out there. The least I can do is to sell myself and how I befit the role the company is offering. 

Leveraging on your talent is another thing. Show them in your resume what you have done so far and why it has helped to shape who you are today. Take advantage of social media. I see many times recruiters going on twitter looking for candidates. If there are not many opportunities, work on your talent. I see many friends who take up different role and excel at work because they have a passion for it. I understand it so well how hard it is to be unemployed and not getting any offer. Or getting an offer that doesn't match your needs. But it's ok, keep looking as good offer will eventually come to you. I don't want us to give up because we are not the generation that succumbs to pressure, we basically going against the stream. 

Maybe I sounded a bit cocky, but the reality is, I want to improve quality of life. You don't want to be stuck at the same financial level for a very long time. We all take that degree for 3-4 years to have a comfortable life but you choose a job that pays RM 1 800 salaries. Do you think it compensates for your struggle and emotional distress? Will it helps to pay your PTPTN? Will you be able to afford to treat your parents to nice meals? 

Think about everything, think real hard. Think again, will that much of a salary be able to afford the dream you have dreamt off of these years? It is not yet your call to give in to economic pressure. I think you are wonderful, you are talented, you are capable, and definitely not one to give up easily. Life is not going to serve you on a silver platter, effort must be put in from an early start. Maybe once a while we stumble, but not for once we are calling it to quit. Being in someone else's shoes and realistically be empathetic towards their struggles and offer helps in any way possible. And that my friend is the end of this post. Be strong, this too shall pass 

Thank you for taking your time to read this. Probably the longest piece of writing I ever wrote here. I hope we all can relate this in a good way :D

I'm starting a weight loss journery

You is a good show. I am currently on episode 5, Joe's voice over reminds me a lot of Narcos S1 & S2. Peach is definitely my favorite character at the moment. Not because she is secretly in love with Beck and a control freak, I love her because she is a badass. I kinda feel like she's a great representation of a woman. Manipulative, protective towards their loved one, a badass and can smell men's bullshit from 10 miles away.

I am not about to review the entirety of the show because I only watched 5 episodes. I write tonight because I want to write. Venting out here seems calming and relaxing to me. And I always like to write and read. Been writing in English ever since 2013 when I first started college. Therefore I want to continue doing that as I find it helpful in helping me being more articulate. Not that I aspire to be a writer, but I want to be good at it so I feel good about myself. Though I only write bullshits and complaints about my mediocrity I still want to do it my whole life. Allow me to be negative about my own self.

Writing this half-awake, resting my head on the wall, as If I'm high after 2 liters of plain water sounds very much like an addict. But a good kind of addict. Plain water is good. It tastes better after cardio. It never has tasted that good before. Oh yeah, let us get back on track to what I actually want to vent tonight. I took a big step last week, which is going on a healthy life journey a.k.a Diet. Yup, you read that right. I did cardio for a few days now and my body is sore as fuck. Years of no exercise really took a toll on my body. High impact cardio almost killed me one night. I never knew what high and low impact cardio meant, so I just do the exercises. It only took a few steps before my heart feels like exploding and left me completely out of breath. Not to forget, I'm quenching for water as if I have not had it for days. It's tiring you guys, I want to cry so bad, and completely wondering why I let myself wallow in a bad eating habit for years. But nevermind, I'm already starting.

Getting started is equally important as being consistent therefore I hope I can be consistent. I need to feel good about myself, I want to wear good and beautiful clothes. Honestly, my biggest motivation is because small size clothes are darn cheap. I went to a bundle shop or thrift store like white people on youtube call it. And omg, so many good jeans and I freaking love jeans (who doesn't?) and big size jeans are pretty limited to find in KL and not to forget very expensive. You can get 2nd hand Levi's jeans at RM 5-RM25 at bundle shop and that's a steal. I hate myself for saying this, but being skinny (read: attractive) brings in a lot of perks with the look. That is how the world works today honey.

Yall better pray I lost substantial weight before my new semester begins! Chow :D