The ode to my undergraduate life: Bidding goodbye to everything and in between:

I have roughly 16 days before my final exam ever.

Truth is, my mind went blank for a while when I decided to continue the sentence above. I don’t know what to expect. How to feel once everything comes to an end. Like everything has come full circle. Most of my INTEC batch mates have graduated. Those studying at local uni like me (read: red boat) just had their convocation and more to come. It’s funny to think that 4 years ago, we were all depressed as fuck. No one accepted the fate being thrown in front of their eyes. Most just swallow the bitter pills and pretending to move on, crying to sleep, EVERY DAY. Those are the days when I asked everyone around with the same fate as mine. Quite sad to be fucking honest. Some of them deserved more. But this failure, in a way made us stronger.

Everyone is so successful like it’s MAD how desperation, anger and depression bring out a whole new spirit out of a person. Will to change supersedes everything and that is more than anything we ever need right now, to feel ALIVE and DESERVING of all the happiness and success. I don’t know why I keep bringing up my Alevels story. 2/3 of my blog post, since I left INTEC, was mostly about my regrets and how If I had done more, things would have been better. No matter how much I make peace with myself, I get even more enraged. Things get even worse when the financial issue was brought to the table couple up with few other things. Because to me personally, that failure hits my financial the most. Maybe we get into this story sometime in the future.

My fellow readers, I have been offered a full-time position at one of the Big 4 where I went for my internship last year. Fingers crossed, the starting of my full-time adult life will be a fun time although I doubt it will ever be fun but we shall see. I cannot wait to finally buy stuff for my parents, treat my family for a monthly dinner date. So happy at the thought of that and I am making a to-do list, how much money I should save every month hehe (exciting time! 😇💘) and etcetera. 

Anyway, for the last few paragraphs, I wanna write down my gratitude for the blessing that comes in the form of my classmates at Unisel. I may not be able to have a hell of a fun time if it were not for them. It’s kind of sad that I stop talking to a few of them last semester due to many personal issues. Emotions got into me and everyone, hence rush decisions were made. Thank you, you guys were also a big part of my degree life, we spent 3 years' time together. But fate takes us to a different path, it is sad we parted ways on different notes. For the rest of the gang, yall are with me to the last sprint, we made it. I hope we continue making plans in the future, keeping this friendship forever. CRG reunion perhaps? Wishing you all the best

My future plan right now is probably to continue my professional exam and take master (if i have time). The rest I leave it to the Almighty, He knows what's best.

Thank you for tuning in to my journey since high school. Perhaps I will take you to different journey of my life, something that is even more exciting. Till then you guys.

Emotional turbulence

Hey what is up?

I have one more paper to go tomorrow then I am done with this semester. Honestly, this semester has taken one sharp turn and I did not see it coming at all. Maybe I was overestimating my level of patience and that it took just one event to trigger it all. After a few years of suppressing my dislike, it has been bottling up for quite sometimes that maybe I decided to burst and explode. And it cost relationship with a few good friends to end for good (i hope not).

Taking care of my mental health has been great but at the expense of severing ties with a few people. I don't know if I am ready to lose a few friends over that. Like is it worth it though? Idk. But my state of mind has been good. I unfollowed many accounts on my social medias especially the influencers. I muted my high school friends stories and posts just because I cannot tahan.

How bout you? Do you think it is ok to severe ties with a few people to take care of your mental health? I understand that some people just radiate negative vibes when you're around them. But I don't know if I want to end up being friend-less over years and grow old with absolutely no friends at all. My life at the moment has already felt pretty lifeless and meaningless, losing a few friends just because I want to be surrounded with positivity sounds like an exaggeration and I might blowing things out of proportion. Or what if I am that toxic friend that people have talked about all these while?

And this week has been rough. I had an emotional breakdown on the weekend. Literally crying and sobbing for a good one hour for no reason at all. At that moment I was scared with myself. How did I do that? Bursting out with overflowing tears with nothing to trigger me. But I guess it is the exam season that makes me feel really overwhelmed with my own personal expectations and goals.

Fingers crossed that I will end this semester with a bomb. Also, cannot wait to get back to painting florals and play with Aisya in my last semester break ever!