f covid

I don't know where to even begin.

How long has it been since you step outside and enjoy life?

I honestly couldn't remember. I have fear of going outside. Fear that Covid will get to me and my family. March 2020 was 1 year and 6 months ago and we are 4 months away from 2022. Our current political situation is not helping either with unclear strategies from the government and half-baked policy to curb the pandemic. I couldn't see myself living with covid without fear of dying. Until someone better is taking over the government, I will not let my guard down. Do you know we have 3 different prime minister since the last general election? Yeah i know, ridiculous. 

But how long are we going to live in fear and not leading the new normal? People have been preaching left and right to co-exist with the virus but how do I? 

Apart from the state of my country that is a shit show, my life is more or less the same. I'm also a mess. Adulting has turned me colder, pathetic and I have absolutely no clear conscience of what I want to do with my life. At least I have clearer goals (what I want to achieve) once my degree ended. Now I'm 26, with a job but still a complete mess. My goal was to find a good job and now I have one, so what? What do I do next?

One thing I'm sure of is that nobody has prepared me for the cruel reality of the working world. In fact, I think I was not prepared for the fact that having a job is gonna take everything away from me, little by little (my insanity for the most part). Try working from home during pandemic and deal with deadlines, one after another. I work in Big 4 and deadline is a big part of the working culture here. As our work is based on statutory deadlines, the busy season depends on how much workload we have at one specific period. After going through my first peak season, I feel like I never really had an off-peak. It almost felt like I have been on a very long peak period since the first MCO.  

Seriously tired of everything. Lowkey

I am okay. Okay?

This weekend has been rough on me mentally. I was emotionally distressed for the last 2 weeks due to work. Something happened and I still couldn't shake my brain out of it. During those 5 days of work, my brain just not there and I was not focused at all. Workload has not decreased, in fact, I'm already working on my engagements for the peak period. It feels as if the off-peak does not exist. 


Few other things happened and again, im crashing. I guess that Friday i was just really tired and so done with work, I went on Twitter and change my bio, profile, and everything. Few of my friends were worried that they texted me asking if I was really okay. 

It was quite hard to admit to people that I am sometimes not okay. Not that I am embarrassed to talk about it. It's just that when I got emotionally drained, it is not just over one thing. How do I explain to people about the petty stuff that I felt sad about. HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT I AM ALSO DO NOT QUITE GET MYSELF?

U know this feels exactly how it was during A-level. Like constantly feeling like shit. Constantly thinking that you are bad at everything. So anxious that people hate you for who you are. Left you out in the group chat. Did not include you in plans. Did not invite you to weddings. Did not care that you are down or depressed. Did not bother to congratulate when you succeeded at achieving your milestones no matter how small. Unwavering beliefs that PEOPLE just do not care. 

Being busy help. Too busy, you burn out too soon. Too free, is dangerous. At least for me. 

But I am okay now. So please do not worry about me.